10am Bright and early you are enjoying a friendly game of bicycle polo. Not counting the cities you have been to you meet jaunty players from Dayton, Richmond, Ottowa, Pensacola, and Anchorage. The teams are engaged in a massive double elimination bracket after the second loss they can say goodbye to being a champion. But they can say “Hello Nurse!” so be ready for staggering quantities of hilarity.
1pm The Dead Baby water bottle you drank out of the last 2 nights is very useful in keeping a low profile all afternoon. You wisely put a unique sticker on it to distinguish them from other deadbaby water bottles cast about Magnuson Park.
2pm You take in an exhibition game of tall bike polo. (note: this probably will not happen in fact this probably has never happened and will never happen, so don’t ask for it to happen, cause it wont.)
4pm After all the drama and excitement the tournament has been narrowed to a handful of the best teams. You decide it is time to try to understand the rules.
NORTH AMERICAN HARDCOURT BICYCLE POLO CHAMPIONSHIP RULES
• Three player teams.
• Games to 5 with a 15 minute time limit. No tie games.
• Double elimination tournament.
• Bar ends and mallet ends should be plugged. No exposed outer chainrings.
• A score is only counted when the ball is hit with a strike using the end of the mallet head.
• You may not score on a shuffle
• You can’t score on yourself
• No throwing mallets.
• No “unlike” contact. Example: Mallet to Player, Player to Bike, Mallet to Bike, etc.
• No high sticking (above handlebars).
• Dabbing or minor rules violation: Tap out.
DON’T BE A DICK
• Don’t be a dick.
6pm you discover one of the most important ideas that separates organized hardcourt from organized grass bike polo is the number of rules. But as a spectator its not nearly as important to know the rules as it is to know that heckling and jeering is as crucial to the game as the players themselves. It is a game after all, if it is not fun, it should not be played.
8pm a champion is crowned and will travel to Philadelphia for the Worlds (although it is debatable how many hemispheres have to represent to have a worlds). Our sexy bike team is hoping to score a special prize offered up to the team with the most clASS.