How to Bike Porn for people who are not into sex

Herm. We have to be careful when critiquing the astonishing lame nature of the internerds. So vast is its ability to deluge anyone not prepared for the onslaught of such craptastic data that just searching for “bike porn” could result in a nervous twitch in mild cases and closer to a grand-maul seizure in more cases.

But then there are some gems of pure brilliance. Those moments in time when one realizes that “yes, I do need a to know exactly how to disassemble my 3-speed internal hub, right now!” and you happen to stumble upon Sheldon Brown.

This list of how to shoot a standard bike porn falls in between these 2 extreemseso learn a little and twitch a little.

The Ten Commandments of Bicycle Porn:

1. Frame section shall not exceed rim section, but rim section shall not exceed twice the frame section.
2. Front and rear rim sections must be equal except on TT bikes where they must be unequal.
3. Gearing must not be lower than 39×23.
4. Carbon fibre components look good on on a metal frame, but the reverse is generally not true.
5. Titanium frames must not be painted; carbon frames must be painted (with certain exemptions for unidirectional finish).
6. Bicycles must always be photographed from the drive side, with cranks horizontal and a large gear selected.
7. Quick release skewers must be horizontal and positioned to give the impression of being blown backwards by speed.
8. Gear shifters must be vertical; saddle must be horizontal.
9. No more than 5mm of spacers may appear above or below the stem.
10. Handlebar tape must match saddle colour.

Everyone got that?

Rules being what they are, we’d say a reasonable response to this would be pointing out some reasonable pie plate porn

Great cause there is only two weeks left before the EXTENDED DEADLINE for submissions to Bike Porn 4:PLAY is exhausted. Then you will be stuck in no porn land for a long time, unless you have the internet, which since this is probably the only place this writing will ever be visable seems an absolute assurity. Still that porn will suck literally and figuratively so good luck with that.

If you are on the fence, now is the time… get on your horse and ride!

Photo credit to Officially Lucky, whom in turned ripped it off the Bike Snob, which we were hoping we wouldn’t have to credit. THE HORROR!

One comment on “How to Bike Porn for people who are not into sex
  1. Courtney! says:

    Is that a Chris King pie plate?

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