its got bikes and its got porn, but it aint really bike porn – PART 2

Last week we asked what is wrong with this picture.

First lets talk about what they did right:

humor – intentional or not, making people laugh makes them more comfortable. not all porn should be funny, but if you fail to make us want to fuck you better make us laugh.

sex– people who are doing it. not necessarily doing it well, but its being done regardless.

bike parts – great to work these in any time possible. wearing a bike helmet while fucking and saying you are being safe is not a bad idea. When the news reports that he ended up getting Gonorrhea people will ask, “Was he wearing a helmet?” and perhaps for the first time it would be a useful question only if we were talking about prophylactics.

location
– sure lets do it on a glass case, it could shatter at any moment and we are mostly all naked… the thrill of danger!

But for all these marginally valuable traits it still fails. Why?

editing

Watching raw, unedited porn does provide some feeling of reality, but this truth at 24 frames per second* is a double edged blade. While it is exciting to see it “as it happened” it is also a little distracting. We normally would not get to see those confused looks from the stud wearing a bike helmet. We normally would not get to hear the women talking about how “good” the male on the right is. All these scenes leave the audience in a state of marginal discomfort as the performers try to keep on topic.

Of course there are a lot of things wrong with this movie**, and we appreciate any brain power devoted to the cause of understanding why this movie is lame. Thanks for all your comments and blather.

The bigger question is what is wrong with most porn, which leads us to asking if maybe there is something wrong with us. Why is porn that seems so bad so popular? One answer might be that making bad porn is easy. With so much bad porn being made the standards are dropped though the floor. There might be a lot of good porn out there but how do we find the delicious sausage in the pile of turds?

This video is not inspiring, and doesn’t make us want to ride bikes or have sex and therefore would probably not be included in the program.

Next question, is this porn harder or easier to watch than this emo PSA for motorcycle helmets?

GAWD MAKE IT STOP!

* we have no intention of searching the internet to figure out exactly how many frames per second are in a typical flash internet video

** Lighting, lack of white balance, set design, acting, camera movements, props (just the helmet? no Chain Whip?, writing, repetitive motions,

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